What a decade of changes can bring.

From 16-26, from carelessness to the weight of the world. This would be a decade that changes it all.

2010, Started the decade off with a total knee replacement and celebrating the first 5 year mark cancer free 💛. Being very involved in youth group, and met Gabe. 2011, brought more ministry opportunities, serving in the youth group, attending school of ministry and turning 18. I didn’t have many major goals for my life. I wanted to get married young, have a family and do ministry. That was about it for me. Little did I know, 2012 would bring the biggest changes and set my life in a direction, I’m not sure I was quite ready for no matter how much I would think I was.

Happy New year, it was 2012! This was the year I was an adult. I would graduate high school, I would graduate school of ministry and then find out what was next for me. Still dating my boyfriend of a 1.5 years, sure we would do ministry together and be an example of a Godly teenage couple who makes it. February 2012, I took a pregnancy test in a McDonald’s bathroom before youth group to find that I was indeed pregnant. The whirlwind that followed, I was not prepared for. I was ashamed and excited all at once. I was determined and scared. We had so many opinions and advice given but we knew what we wanted and we knew how the world worked, how could we not? We were 18, we were “adults”, we had the answers. We got married June 8, 2012, a small backyard wedding, missing so many people I loved. We were happy though. Later that week, we graduated school of ministry, went on a little Tahoe honeymoon to come back and walk in our high school graduation 🤦🏻‍♀️ yes, that is the order that week happened. Very unconventional. Despite my shame that I carried, I was proud of myself. Proud of us. We didn’t let everyone’s opinions get us down, we finished what we started, we stuck with church even through the feelings of rejection as we walked in. October 23, 2012 after hours of labor, trying to push, and ending in an emergency c section, at 18 years old we welcomed Trinity Ann into the world. My life would never be the same. My beautiful blessing from the shame of sin I carried, I now got to hold and protect. I would never be able to regret the steps leading up because it brought me her. My precious Trinity Ann who was the best baby I could ask for. So easy, so sweet, so loving. Life was looking good.

2013, we got our first apartment, we were doing it! We thought hey, Trinity was so good and why wait to give her a sibling, we might be young but look how well we’re doing! So bam, if you know me, you know we are a fertile family and just the thought and here we are, expecting baby #2!! Oh boy, I’m sure they all thought we were crazy! I did at some points. Trinity turned 1 and we ready to welcome our second baby girl in the new year. In the midst of a good year Tragedy hit my family hard. My uncle, who we had grown even closer to in that year took his own life. Leaving our family broken, hurting but bonded even more.

2014, It’s Tayla time!! What a delivery that was. Probably one of the hardest moments in motherhood. My heart was having trouble and despite being on medication they decided they had to deliver her at 37.5 weeks. So Valentine’s Day 2014 we arrive early, get prepped and they’re ready to deliver Tayla via c-section. All seems to be going great until they’ve taken her out and don’t bring her to us. We have to ask what’s going on and they tell us she’s having some trouble breathing on her own and I can’t hold her yet. They take her out of the room while they finish me up. Wheeling my bed into the room where she was all I could see were tubes everywhere. Still unable to hold and only barely touch her foot. This was not how this was supposed to happen. Rushing her down to Sutter and making me stay where I was. I had never been so determined to walk and get out of there. Two days in they released Tayla and I convince my doctor to let me leave a day early so I can be home with my newborn. He agrees and I finally get to hold little Tayla Lynn at home for the first time. Juggling a 16 month old toddler and a very fussy newborn was not easy! She’s still the one who fights sleep the most but boy does that girl have something special. Two beautiful daughters, our second apartment and still attending church.

2015! We added the last monkey to the craziness and welcome Briella Ashley! November 18th 2015, finally a good delivery! Third times a charm! Getting to hold her right away and watching her sisters excitement as they looked through the tiny windows at their newest best friend! I’ll never forget how complete it felt. Due to the ongoing heart issues, especially made worse with pregnancy I agreed to have my tubes tied as well. So even in my sheer joy it felt weird knowing these would all be lasts for me. Last time caring my child inside me, last newborn stages. I guiltily held onto each moment a little more than I had before. The stages seemed to slow down and I was so enjoying watching Trinity and Tayla be big sisters together.

2016, we were serving in youth again, we were a family of 5 in our 3rd apartment. This year is where I felt my grasp getting loose. The things we held hidden, the hurts, the doubts, the lies. Not only was I struggling with postpartum depression unlike I had ever before, but our marriage came to a point I had always feared in the back of my mind. I had gotten so good at painting the picture that we had it together. We beat the odds. We were going to make it. But, we weren’t. We had the deep talks that brought out the ugly, hurtful truths. We didn’t lean on God instead we made worse choices. Things started crumbling beneath us. There was no foundation. Ready to call it quits but unable to figure out life after that. We held onto what we could and “stuck it out”. Not to say there was no good because there was. We had happy times and happy memories but we allowed those to cover the bad without fixing the bad. Shame. Shame was something I seemed to carry since 2012 and now instead of unloading we were just packing it on covered by a pretty blanket that made it look like we were doing good.

2017... this year. This was the year that changed the course. We moved to Folsom, we had a nice house. Still serving in ministry, working on a photography business and doing well. We were making it but we weren’t. Our secrets grew, the darkness we were living became more real. The regrets kept increasing. The choices we were making “to keep it together” were driving us further apart and much further from God. Still with that pretty blanket covering it all from the people around us. Until I got the opportunity to go to the summer camp I had gone to so many years as a camper, but this time as a counselor. Something I had wanted to do since I was 16. I knew the hurt and brokenness I was carrying but convinced myself that this would be a week where I would only focus on the girls around me and letting God use me. But man, every message, every alter call, every song seemed to pierce my blanket. Until I couldn’t come home with it. I had to come home and face the life that was being lived through a person I couldn’t even recognize, not just my husband but myself. Who were these people? These weren’t the 16 year olds who fell in love and had big plans for ministry and a family lifestyle that would be an example. These were broken, hurting and very lost people. Shame was what I lived in. Shame for things said to me, spoken over me, choices that were made and hurt me, choices I myself made. I was lost. We were lost, and after bringing it all to the light, I would soon lose it all. No home, no car, no job, no marriage and split time with my kids. I’ve never felt so broken. How could God change this, how could He use this.

This year God brought some healing. He brought me a tribe. A tribe of people who were blood family and spiritual family. These people surrounded me, carried me, encouraged me and loved me despite all they knew. How could so much change in one year? 2017 ended with me making myself proud by landing a good job in ophthalmology where I still am 2 years later. With the help of my sister, I had my first car in my name. I was still helping in youth ministry, and children’s ministry, I was working, I saw the light at the end. Even though that tribe of people God gave me, seemed to be only for a season, I will never forget what they meant to me and still do. I will forever be grateful.

2018, I clearly love change so much!! My sister and I moved our families into a 4 bedroom townhouse! For the first time in several months I had a room and a bed! My girls had a room and their own beds! I surprisingly fell in love with Kyle Brannam!! What the heck?? Now there’s a unexpected twist to the story!! Way sooner than planned, and absolutely not what either of us were expecting. But here we are, we knew it was meant to be right from the start. So why wait right? 😂🤷🏻‍♀️ May 2018, he asked the girls for permission and with just my mom, kids and siblings there, he asked me to marry him at one of my favorite spots! Once again, why wait? So we planned our wedding in 4 months. September 1st 2018, with my three greatest blessings walking me down the isle to the song “Bless the Broken Road”, tears flowing from everyone’s eyes, my eyes locked on my future, I said I do. I said I will. I will forever love him, forever fight for him and with him, forever let God guide us, let God heal us, let God use us. Despite the doubts from so many close to us, we did it. It was so beautiful. It was simple. It was full of love, joy, hope and God. My grandma has told me before and I couldn’t agree more, after a life of trials and a decade of hurt God brought me a win. We decided shortly after we got married that we were ready to find a home church (attending a church in the midst there as we healed and prayed for our next move). We started attending VantagePoint Church and soon met with the head Pastor and shared our story. As we shared our stories, our hurts, and our hearts with our Pastors we were met with so much grace, so much encouragement and left with hope. God was moving and we ready to see where He would take us. To complete our little newly formed family we added our Koda boy to the Brannam Bunch.

2019- closing a decade.

This year I felt safe, I felt sturdy and I felt ready. Kyle brought so much stability to my whirlwind life and mind. God brought me a new hope, a new fire, and a new desire to do His will, to follow His plans and to be the example to my daughters of what it means to walk in newness. This past year we took vacations, we made memories with the girls, we built stronger relationships with family and God. With the trust of our Pastors and Gods grace we started a Connect group for married couples. Something so strongly on our hearts, to see marriages restored, renewed and thriving in Christ. To hopefully be able to use our stories to help others avoid the hurt we’ve both walked through. This was a year where I feel I’ve seen just a glimpse into what God has for us. Though, I’ve walked through my own battles this year as I’m sure I will continue to going into this next one, I gained a sense of assurance. For the first time in 7 years I believed in myself, I believed in my ability to still be used by God. I believed and saw in myself the ways I can share my different life stories to reach and connect. Gods lit a fire in us for this next decade. Our marriage will defy the odds, our marriage will be a picture of Gods love, Gods grace, Gods forgiveness and Gods heart. Our family will serve together, grow together and lead together. By the end of this next decade we will have three teenage daughters who know God, love God and serve God. God has such special things in store for us individually, in our marriage, in our family and in our community and I just can’t wait to see what’s in store. With my hand in Kyle's and our focus on God, we walk into 2020 with new hope, new light, new vision and new life. I will work on not painting a picture but allowing the greatest artist of all to paint it for me ❤️

“In the crushing

In the pressing

You are making

New wine

In the soil, I

Now surrender

You are breaking

New ground

So I yield to You and to Your careful hand

When I trust You I don't need to understand

Make me Your vessel

Make me an offering

Make me whatever You want me to be

I came here with nothing

But all You have given me

Jesus, bring new wine out of me”